Friday, March 21, 2008

Good Friday

5 minutes until time to go to the Good Friday service at our church. Anna and I are singing in the choir. I'm hurriedly trying to get my hair to curl, put on makeup, pretend I'm 20 lbs. lighter...

And Dave appears at the bathroom door: "I can't go."

sigh.

I know he can't go. But in my oblivion, my strivings at patching the pain, my attempt to go on as if life is normal, I've forgotten that he will want to go. That he will try to go. That he will have to go through the pain, once again, of realizing he can't go with us. The pain of sitting, the dizziness and headaches from all the perfumes, the difficulty concentrating...it's all too much. His wife and daughter in the choir and he is forced to be separated from us. On Easter, I'm also in the orchestra, and he can't hear it.

He hears me practice strains of harmony that hang tenuously in the air. A jazz version of Christ Has Risen, a thread of music that makes no sense without its tapestry. A hymn without the depth of chords and words. The notes mimic our lives and mock his pain, taunting him that he can't see more than a thread of the tapestry God is weaving, and how easily a thread could break...

5 minutes until time to go, and I have forgotten our lives have fallen apart, and I have nothing to put them together with, and no time to do it. We remember there's another practice before the service on Sunday. Maybe he can go to that. Maybe.

My God, my God, why have You forsaken me? The words of a broken Savior, dying on the cross. Words we can understand, relate to, cry with, draw close to God with. And yet, a lonely strain of harmony hangs in the air. By contrast, Jesus was broken for a reason. This life, this thread of suffering...is without tapestry. Satan would have us believe it is woven into the Emporer's New Clothes. A facade, a nothingness. In Christ we become holy, clothed for the first time in our lives--we gain a tapestry we could never weave.

For while we are in this tent, we groan and are burdened, because we do not wish to be unclothed but to be clothed with our heavenly dwelling, so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life. Now it is God who has made us for this very purpose and has given us the Spirit as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come. --2 Cor 5:4-54

Clinging to the Spirit, for He is all we have, Merry

8 comments:

Chris said...

Merry,

I'm so sorry that Dave was not able to go to the service! BIG HUGS to you, my friend. I hope that you are having a blessed Easter today.

Love,
Chris

Sally said...

Oh, Merry, (and Dave, of course) my heart breaks with you! It must be so hard. There are no words, only love....

Kat said...

Merry,
Just happened upon this today...again, you echo so much of Jeff's heart in your words...Thank you for reminding me of all Jeff is, and all he does, on my behalf...and how much he and the kids are impacted by the pain my body puts us all through!

Trish said...

Merry - I tag you for 7 random facts. If you want to play, head over to my blog, www.sowers4pastors.blogspot.com, for the rules.

Trish in Honduras

Linda said...

You have been tagged. Go to my blog to see the rules. ;)

Linda said...

Just saw you already got tagged. Feel free to ignore!!

Sorry I missed it earlier when I was looking for friends to play.

Wendy said...

Hi Merry, what a touching post. I've followed your story for years on the SL forums and I'm always touched by your grace. My heart aches for you, I can almost identify with you. My husband's health issues aren't the same, but b/c of his shift work, he often feels bad on his days off (he's used to sleeping during the day and has a hard time switching). We often have to carry on without him. I've felt the same pain in my heart as you so very well expressed.

Thank you for your contant reminder to be a wife full of grace.

Anonymous said...

Merry,
I hear your heart and appreciate your putting in words for others to understand the pain of realization that's so hard to bear "again".
You may remember emailing me (Melody in PA) over a year ago now and encouraging me with my dh's lyme/anxiety issues. I never meant to stop emailing...life is well, just busy. There has been much grace and growth in the last year of our journey and some healing steps physically & emotionally (so connected) for my dh. Again, thank you for identifying with and encouraging me in my journey. You are a precious daughter of the King and I'm glad to be your sister!

Praying...Melody in PA