Is Your Spouse Your Best Friend?
by Merry Marinello © 2001
This article originally appeared in Sonlight Curriculum's "Beam of Sonlight"
Newsletter in response to a question posed by another homeschooling mom.
I am not sure how to answer it (the survey on being married to your best friend). I
would have said, absolutely until about 2 years ago when my husband became
disabled from an undiagnosed case of late stage lyme disease. Before that time, he
was the first one to know all my thoughts, and even though we think very
differently and have different interests in many areas, we were always able to talk
with each other, communicate on a deep level, to share everything.
When the lyme disease hit, all that changed because he was affected
neurologically. He couldn't think straight, his memory failed him, he couldn't
retrieve the right words, he couldn't concentrate--sometimes he was too fatigued
for days on end to have even a simple conversation.
I would try to tell him what I was thinking about and then ask him what he was
thinking about, and his answer would be, "The grass is green, it's a nice green." I
have never felt such intense isolation and aloneness in my life since I lost my best
friend. The world is upside down, is missing something; it doesn't make sense.
And yet, he is still with me. He is finally improving some, we can now have short
conversations most days, still not the depth and intimacy we once enjoyed.
About a year ago, when I had reached the end of myself (for about the millionth
time), I remember asking God, "What are your intentions towards Dave?" I
wanted him to be healed quickly or die, but not to linger on as he was. God
distinctly asked me, "What are YOUR intentions towards Dave?" And I realized
my intention is to love him. That's the commitment I made. That commitment was
severely tested the next 3 weeks with all kinds of thoughts, and I wanted to die.
But finally God set me free by making me realize that I don't have to obey what I
feel, I obey God. That thought was transforming to me. It seems obvious, and yet,
it's very deep.
My love is a gift to Dave. What we had before was reciprocal love, what the
Greeks called phileo love. Not because that's bad, but it had just never been
tested--we never had to "agape" love each other. Agape love is loving no matter
what the return is. It is the kind of love God gives us, the kind of love that draws
us on to Him.
I have realized that if my dear Dave comes out of this, the kind of love we will
have for each other will be different because it will be a reciprocal agape love.
And I have realized that God actually gives us a great gift in suffering, because that
is the closest we can come to agape-loving God, loving God without receiving the
blessing we long for (although I would still say God has blessed us in so many
ways).
Loving my husband has become extremely honoring to me. Respecting human life
is transformed as well, because you must value a person not for what they can (or
do) do for you, but because God has placed value on them. He has placed a high
value on my husband, because He bought Dave with the blood of Christ, and
because He has placed His Holy Spirit in Dave.
I want, I long for my best friend, for the joy of the intimacy we once shared. But
that's really not what love is about. It's an added blessing to be cherished, but love
is really about 1 Corinthians 13. We take joy in our love for our spouse not merely
because of what they do for us but because to love is an incredible gift and joy
from God.
I think if you want to find yourself one day married to your best friend, that you
have to do it by not looking for him to become your best friend. Love him because
you love him, because it's a gift from God to love him, because you are a gift to
him.
Be a gift, be a best friend, be loving without looking for a return. Honor, respect,
look out for him, and above all pray for him. And when you pray, don't look for
God to change him--look for God to change you. You may already be married to
your best friend and not realize it yet. Or, you may never realize that ideal you
have in your mind. However, God can and will transform you, if you are willing. I
rely on Romans 12:1-2 a lot.
Our family verse is Acts 17:25, "In Him we live and move and have our being." I
know we are still completely, totally in Him. May God be glorified.
About the Author
For more of Dave and Merry's Lyme story, read A Caregiver's Hope
For more links about Lyme Disease or Homeschooling, please see our Resource
page.
back to Hope Stories
by Merry Marinello © 2001
This article originally appeared in Sonlight Curriculum's "Beam of Sonlight"
Newsletter in response to a question posed by another homeschooling mom.
I am not sure how to answer it (the survey on being married to your best friend). I
would have said, absolutely until about 2 years ago when my husband became
disabled from an undiagnosed case of late stage lyme disease. Before that time, he
was the first one to know all my thoughts, and even though we think very
differently and have different interests in many areas, we were always able to talk
with each other, communicate on a deep level, to share everything.
When the lyme disease hit, all that changed because he was affected
neurologically. He couldn't think straight, his memory failed him, he couldn't
retrieve the right words, he couldn't concentrate--sometimes he was too fatigued
for days on end to have even a simple conversation.
I would try to tell him what I was thinking about and then ask him what he was
thinking about, and his answer would be, "The grass is green, it's a nice green." I
have never felt such intense isolation and aloneness in my life since I lost my best
friend. The world is upside down, is missing something; it doesn't make sense.
And yet, he is still with me. He is finally improving some, we can now have short
conversations most days, still not the depth and intimacy we once enjoyed.
About a year ago, when I had reached the end of myself (for about the millionth
time), I remember asking God, "What are your intentions towards Dave?" I
wanted him to be healed quickly or die, but not to linger on as he was. God
distinctly asked me, "What are YOUR intentions towards Dave?" And I realized
my intention is to love him. That's the commitment I made. That commitment was
severely tested the next 3 weeks with all kinds of thoughts, and I wanted to die.
But finally God set me free by making me realize that I don't have to obey what I
feel, I obey God. That thought was transforming to me. It seems obvious, and yet,
it's very deep.
My love is a gift to Dave. What we had before was reciprocal love, what the
Greeks called phileo love. Not because that's bad, but it had just never been
tested--we never had to "agape" love each other. Agape love is loving no matter
what the return is. It is the kind of love God gives us, the kind of love that draws
us on to Him.
I have realized that if my dear Dave comes out of this, the kind of love we will
have for each other will be different because it will be a reciprocal agape love.
And I have realized that God actually gives us a great gift in suffering, because that
is the closest we can come to agape-loving God, loving God without receiving the
blessing we long for (although I would still say God has blessed us in so many
ways).
Loving my husband has become extremely honoring to me. Respecting human life
is transformed as well, because you must value a person not for what they can (or
do) do for you, but because God has placed value on them. He has placed a high
value on my husband, because He bought Dave with the blood of Christ, and
because He has placed His Holy Spirit in Dave.
I want, I long for my best friend, for the joy of the intimacy we once shared. But
that's really not what love is about. It's an added blessing to be cherished, but love
is really about 1 Corinthians 13. We take joy in our love for our spouse not merely
because of what they do for us but because to love is an incredible gift and joy
from God.
I think if you want to find yourself one day married to your best friend, that you
have to do it by not looking for him to become your best friend. Love him because
you love him, because it's a gift from God to love him, because you are a gift to
him.
Be a gift, be a best friend, be loving without looking for a return. Honor, respect,
look out for him, and above all pray for him. And when you pray, don't look for
God to change him--look for God to change you. You may already be married to
your best friend and not realize it yet. Or, you may never realize that ideal you
have in your mind. However, God can and will transform you, if you are willing. I
rely on Romans 12:1-2 a lot.
Our family verse is Acts 17:25, "In Him we live and move and have our being." I
know we are still completely, totally in Him. May God be glorified.
About the Author
For more of Dave and Merry's Lyme story, read A Caregiver's Hope
For more links about Lyme Disease or Homeschooling, please see our Resource
page.
back to Hope Stories
© 2004 Dave and Merry Marinello, all rights reserved.
Welcome! Thanks for visiting our little "harbor" amid life's storms. We hope you
will find rest and encouragement in your struggles, big or small. Here you can:
will find rest and encouragement in your struggles, big or small. Here you can:
Is Your Spouse Your Best Friend?
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Hope is My Anchor
Strength for your soul amid life's storms
Strength for your soul amid life's storms